The consent envelope

I’m writing about consent as an envelope for various reasons.

1. In terms of sessions or discreet ‘scenes’ it’s a good idea to follow the rule of not including anything in a session that hasn’t been negotiated beforehand.

2. For power exchange, chosen power imbalance relationships and playing with consensual non-consent, first agree what is off limits, what is on the table. Making this consent envelope that encompasses how the people involved will behave towards each other in scene, has mostly worked well for me.

3. This does not mean communication in scene can be dispensed with! You still need to agree in advance how that happens.

Back to the envelope, I will explain points 1,2,3  in more detail plus talking about how complications can arise.

Number one, yes I’m refering to BDSM sessions, a bounded time limited negotiated scene between consenting adults. Where those people take responsibility for stating what their limits are, what their desires are, what the intersection of those shared limits and desires looks like. Agree in advance what is allowed and is not allowed to happen. It’s hopeful to say that people get excited in scenes, that endorphins kick in on both sides, we want our scenes to be fun, playful, maybe challenging. In this intoxicating realm it’s easy to want to go FURTHER, to take more, to try that other new activity. Once a scene is in progress, once the excitement is underway we are in an altered psychological and physiological state, that is why it is wiser NOT to include new activities unnegotiated. You can always include this another time. Staying within the envelope of consent means you can build trust over time, adhering to limits even if you both agree to break them, shows your process is reliable. Top or Bottom, Domme or Sub, what you said is what you do… not more. The envelop is a closed system. (Safewords are still safewords, RED is still RED, more on this later)

Number two, chosen power imbalances, D/s dynamics, consensual non-consent. In real life I don’t do consensual non-consent scenes with people I don’t know well, the same goes for intense power exchange. In professional dominance this is where it can get tricky: because as service providers and service users, professional sessions often take place between relative strangers. They can also feature a level of physical intensity or ‘total power exchange’, with extra risks brought about by poor communication and/or unrealistic expectations. Fetish and kink exist within a highly pornified and fantasy based realm, the crossover between this and what is humanly achievable can be ‘interesting’ to say the least. Therefore making a consent envelope is extra important! Agreeing on what we will do, who we will be, what our dynamic is, what will or wont be allowed in session, and how we will communicate in session. I say this meaning it applies to ALL people involved. Contrary to popular belief Mistresses are NOT mind readers or all powerful. DESPITE FANTASY, If you set clear parameters beforehand there can be more fun in session. Honesty is awesome. Knowing exactly where limits are can mean being able to produce challenging sessions, enforce boundaries, and that those involved can fully let go into the experience. I could write a CHAPTER about performativity, length of association, ability to judge expectations, level of experience and more. Minimum recommendation: do a post scene check in, affirm consent, make sure everyone is OK!

Number three, communication in scene: which brings us back to number one! Talk about how you are going to do this BEFORE you begin. Be clear! Are there verbal cues that allow you to stay in role but also let you check in? For example: ‘Can you take more for me?’ is an open ended question that allows some one to say yes or no. ‘Mercy’ is a clear signal which indicates being close to a limit while showing respect for the power dynamic. If it’s a heavy power exchange scene in which a harsh take down has been agreed on, then how is this going to be managed outside scene time? Is aftercare is required? How do we fulfil a fantasy and make sure of safety? In all cases remember: fuck ups happen, over excitement happens, miscommunication happens: MAKE A PLAN, HAVE A STRATEGY. CHECK IN.

Number four, because outside the consent envelop there is all of the other communication: ideas and needs for aftercare, when and how we make check-ins post session, and in the case of mistakes or problems being able to open a dialogue about that. Again: MAKE A PLAN, HAVE A STRATEGY. CHECK IN.

Writing this I can think of a million ways consent can go wrong, that it happens despite all the ways we try to ensure safety. This blog is a small guideline for best practice in negotiating a good ‘surround’ for your scene. How THE CONSENT ENVELOPE could help you have better sessions and communication. Working backwards, may write a ‘Negotiation Guide’ next.

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Licking my own stamps!! What next!! Stamp licker required, terms and conditions apply 😉

Where to begin?: a kink reading list

As promised I’m going to set out a few books I feel are worthwhile and that I’ve personally gained something from reading. This is not an academically based list, on the whole it is more about practical doing and the negotiation there of. With all materials I find it is worthwhile to think about the context of the writing and the writer. What time and place do they come from? What cultural setting influences and informs what they have to say.? You could also apply that to my compilation: this selection speaks volumes about how and when I grew up in kink.

1. SM 101 By Jay Wiseman, this book must be at least 20 years old, but it’s a good basic read, it also contains the now much debated and even spoofed seminal guidance on breathplay.

2. The Leatherman’s Handbook by Larry Townsend, originally published in 1972!! An amazing and culturally nuanced insight into the beginings of the gay mens leather scene in America. A combination of hot erotic scenes x instructional manual and memoir.

3. Public Sex: The Culture of Radical Sex by Pat Califia. I know I said I wasn’t going to post theoretical texts, but this is a book that grips you and drags you through a viceral description of scenes, politcal meanings and radical acts. Patrick Califia, cultural icon of the trans/and kink scene is a writer and educator who has paid their dues again and again. A beautiful read. I also highly recommend all of Patricks considerable back catalogue of erotic writing.

4. Sensuous Magic: A guide for Adventurous Lovers by Pat Califia. Ok I admit I’m a fan. This is another text that follows the half erotic story, half instructional manual format. What I remember clearly is Patricks very graphic account of fisting technique! That’s not all that is contained, but this book is thorough.

5 and 6. The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book Both books are co-authored by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. These books make a great companion pair, I recommend them to anyone just starting out, or who wishes for a compact refresher read. At around 100 pages each they are quick to read. As well as giving instructions on how to negotiate, they also cover some of the more emotional aspects of play. I enjoyed reading both of these as they gave me an insight into how some one who enjoys the other side of the D/s slash might think and feel about asking for what they want. The joys, insecurities and emotional skills needed for safe and satisfying play.

7. Mr Benson by John Preston, not by any means instructional. (unless you are a fan of live re-enactment of leatherman lifestylers in the early 80’s – if you are I’d like to know). This seminal text is an evocative erotic telling of hardcore, high protocol man to man Leather BDSM. Told within a cute crime story.

This is a short list: all American based, all from a particular culture: a more queer BDSM. It is by no means complete!! Feel free to make recommendations for great kink books you have read that have helped you to develop your technical skills or inspired you towards wilder fantasies.

Happy reading.

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My feet, Bondage for Sex and Roy Stuart (Taschen)

The Spring that comes in Autumn. (Kinky Weather)

At last, I’m emerging from my self imposed sabatical from sessions and online play. Having finished a large writing project and staged some very different flavored public events, I’m back! With a twist. In the coming months as Autumn leaves fall and the night draws in, my interests turn toward a more specific niche of kink. I welcome those who may perhaps be outside of the usual, or who aren’t quite finding that exact thing they need in the mainstream kink, fetish and leather communities. It is something in itself to say that there IS a mainstream kink scene! That overarching scene that contains many different subcultures within it, that can be bewildering to approach. I’m here for those who are a bit more Queer, who seek out something else, who perhaps share a different mind set.

Sensual explorers, fanciers of lingerie (for themselves as well as Mine). Queer couples, not so queer couples, those who would like to extend their skills together and need a guide. It takes time to find your own groove, to feel fully comfortable and able to express your own taste, even to find out what that is. Holding space is my speciality, it is also something that can be learned. Go slowly, start small, enjoy the divine taste of those first steps. Practice is a wonderful thing. I’m going to be adding a reading guide to my site soon, I recommend doing a little research!

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Dressed warmly in lace, stretch harness, spectacles and cardigan!

 

Refocusing the way I work

Life has been super busy of late, to the extent where as a Professional Dominant I have only been able to focus on existing relationships. This is likely to be the case for some time. As I DO wish to continue to explore in this sensual, curious and bizarre realm, I am redefining and refocusing what I can currently offer:

  1. Existing relationships: Ongoing explorations will receive my full attention, as will those who I have seen before but are more occasional visitors. It is always a joy to go DEEPER or to pick up where we left off. Otherwise booking a session will take EFFORT (see point 4).
  2. Therapuetic conversations and correspondence, either online or in person. I have seen, heard and done and LOT of things in life. As a mature and accepting person I find special satisfaction in offering supportive listening, especially to those who have questions about sexuality or gender.
  3. On cam, I will be around sporadically to chat utter filth and take you on physical and imaginary journeys to the heart of your submission.
  4. IF you wish to spend time with ME in person, please make your letter of introduction interesting and well written. Follow the guidelines listed on my site! You are far more likely to win my precious attention if your comunication shows effort and individuality.

 

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                           As ever, wishing you all wonderful kinky times. Mz Jane Wild.

SESTA, ‘anti trafficking’ law: It’s dangerous!

Vile things afoot with the passing of SESTA. A piece of legislation touted as protection for victims of trafficking, that in reality makes life WAY harder and more dangerous for many sexworkers. #saveusfromoursaviours

What the bill means in real terms, is that many sources of safe online advertising, means of communication, and forums for vetting clients, have ceased to exist or become more restrictive towards adult material.

Thinking of using Grinder: nope! Maybe a naughty nude skype call: nope! Wait, you mean swearing and nudity are banned on many apps and online media: YES.

Simple terms: many SexWorkers may lose websites, hosting, payment processing. Exactly HOW this is horrible nightmare is supposed to make us feel SAFER, I don’t know. While the law is having an immediate impact on the livelihood of many, what remains to be seen is how this dangerous new law will play out in broader terms for use of the internet.

Vice on SESTA

 

Higher and Higher (maybe)

I have realised and it has been noted by some of you that I have not blogged in a LONG time!! So true. In the last blog, I wrote I had just spend some time in the snowy wilds of Brandenburg immersed in writing and being annoyed half to death by mouthy artist types who weren’t doing much ‘artisting’. Since then life has been wonderfully busy!! Busy to the point where I have been pushed to find time to blog here, so it’s helpful that those of you who follow have asked about what I’ve been up to and I will make a space from the intensity to write.

While in Berlin (again) at Folsom I had a lovely time going on playdates with people who had travelled from all over Europe – and sometimes further afeild – to be part of the event. With these large gatherings where there is an opportunity to step out of the day to day and deeply immerse onself purely in playing, pleasure and perversion. I’ve writen before about how I find kink to be an excellent source of escapism, yes I’m a great big perve every single day, as this is part of who I am. Folsom and other events like it allow for a deeper plunge, to spend ALL of one’s time dressing up, being pandered to, going to parties and playing.

I suppose there are those of you out there that imagine that I’m spending everyday lounging about being fed grapes by people wearing uncomfortably skimpy outfits: reality check! I’m a dominant person who also has to earn a living, and who no matter how much I would LIKE to spend all of my time playing I realise there are other things I want and need to do.

Play is one of my great pleasures, I adore the sensation of creating a ‘bubble’ of personal intensity with one or more people. Of stepping into what can seem to be an electrically charged silence where only our own breathing, laughter and moans can be heard. Those magical, exceptional times where the outside world disappears, even if we are being watched by a club full of people. That amazing energy of PLAYFULNESSand of being allowed full expression is what keeps me returning again and again to creating scenes with other people, wether that be role play, sadism, humiliation or any mix of those.

Except what goes up must come down and what I wanted to write about here is the conundrum of balance. I’ve heard many jokes about moderation, I’m definitely a person who enjoys intensity, yet at the final party of Folsom as I entered the dressing room, having just played two back to back scenes, I found myself saying ‘Thank God Folsom is finite!!!’ A very handsome queer in the process of dressing caught my eye and laughed knowingly.

So how do we deal with the come downs after the highs? What added extras can we discover by introducing breaks or times of less intensity in our play? How do we manage issues of chasing ever increasing highs, and the inevitable failure of that as a goal?

I plan to answer those questions and more very soon, as well as introducing some added extras in how I will be running ‘Mz Jane Wild’ in the near future. For now I have to dash off to a lovely hotel suite where I plan to spend some time torturing a dear friend and winding down.

Good times.

 

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The wilds of Berlin.

I feel like I’ve been away for AGES, London started to seem like a distant place, maybe this was due to the intensity of my time in Berlin, two weeks can seem like forever:

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1. Flying, cheery service, hosts who made food.

2. Slept late, made leisurely preparation, beat up a couple of friends for FUN.

3. Sun, menemen, massages.

4. Good friends, writing projects, people tying each other up.

5. Journeying into the countryside.

6. Snow, rivers, frozen wheels of ice.

7. Artists being annoying (what’s new?).

8. Discipline: not the sadistic variety, 10,000 words.

9. Cute Anarchists, the work of Joan Nestle

10. Trains, melting snow, the feeling of SPRING.

11. More friends tying each other up.

12. Fancy hotel rooms and debauchery.

13. Dinner, knife play, edges and limits.

14. Favourite people, Berlins weird politics.

15. Flying and fashion.

My perspective has shifted over the past two weeks, I’m sure I won’t realised the full impact of this until I re-adjust to being back. Living between two cities is a funny feeling, although London still has my heart.

 

 

Ego, Blues and BDSM.

January blues, can’t say I have them as a creative project bridged the new year and made the transition time an exciting blur. Traditionally I can be kinda down on January. I’m off to Berlin (surprise) at the end of this month, so will be away for the first two weeks of February, attending some parties and also spending some time outside of Berlin on a writing retreat. Rumour has it that there may be some cute prey to chase through the forest, tho I’m betting they won’t run very fast.Take note: I’m in Berlin from the 4th – 20th of Feb.
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Recently the topic of ‘Ego’ has come up again in online conversations. It’s an interesting discussion as in My experience ego will arise eventually in power exchange relationships. Even when a power imbalance is chosen and completely consensual, we still have ourselves to struggle with and often that struggle is projected outwards. This isn’t helped by an unspoken culture in kink communities. Everyone goes on and on about ‘equality’ and yet still the same old rubbish occurs where people who like to play the role of ‘bottom’ are too often treated in patronising ways. The Gay Male scene has a few things to teach us in terms of valourising the greedy strong submissive.WHY ego has come up as a topic of discussion is due to those I speak with seeking to fully let go into experiences of submission. The clash seems to be on the one hand reconciling the enjoyment of such activities, with such questions as ‘Who is really in charge?’, and ‘How can I let go even deeper?’ and ‘Is this just about doing what I’m told, or is there another element?’. Maybe I should have titled this blog ‘Existential Masochism.’

What an entertaining dance it is when people choose to step into a power exchange because while we want scenes to appear ‘as real as possible’ we are also playing GAMES, in which intense emotional transformations and physical experiences occur….  but within which we have limits.

To answer ONE of the posed questions: ‘Should I just do what I’m told?’, personally I would say ‘Think carefully’. I believe there *is* more to it than a Dominant barking a few orders and a submissive instantly swooning at her feet. Chemistry, skill, desire, all have a part to play, as do respect and inner strength, on BOTH sides of the equation. I enjoy an intellectual challenge, the psychic exercise of flexing My power and the pleasure of watching you go through that process of surrender. It wouldn’t be as much fun otherwise.

Meanwhile out there in the world: Long ago if people had told us it could be worse that Regan and Thatcher, we would have laughed.

*after note* On reading My blog someone who I have been sessioning with for a long time commented: ‘It goes beyond the ego. For me? It’s about stepping into the unknown, into the nothingness, of showing the deepest respect and seeing the inner strength.’ – sound words.

Kink Festival And A Berlin Skyline

10 days in Berlin can hold a lot, like an over-stuffed piece of hand luggage, once unpacked the amount of things you managed to fit in there can be astonishing. So it was with My recent trip to Berlin.
Once upon a time I used to go to Berlin purely for time out: it’s a lovely quiet place if you don’t tell anyone you are there. Now I tend to allocate time on a ‘urgent’ and ‘favourites’ basis, I’m not brilliant at moderation, but I give it a go, so as to not arrive home in need of a holiday.

The main reason I went to Berlin, apart from catching up with playmates and friends was to attend a kinky festival where I had been invited to give a workshop. One of the things that attracted Me was that the festival was for only 50 people, an intimate group, which offers time to get to know people properly – more so than the roiling and frenetic atmosphere of bigger events.

I was happy to receive several offers of service prior to the festival: What better welcome is there than meeting new and interesting people who want to carry your bags, find comfy places for you to sit, get you drinks and offer massages? I’m grateful to those who are able to carry out service in an unobtrusive and skilled manner – it’s a basic power exchange, but by no means simple. Good service is very much one of those ‘looks easy, demands a lot of practice’ situations.

The festival was a blissful couple of days: meeting old friends, picking up on negotiations started online, new playmates, sparks of attraction, listening to others teach, enjoying My own moments centre stage, being part of this wonderful kink community.

Tuesday morning, after the American election result I sat watching the sun rise over the Templehoff skyline feeling a little bleak. Partly a come down from the excitement of conference and also measuring where humanity finds itself. I asked Myself what point there is in small community activities? What difference does spending time educating about sexuality and good communication make, in the face of such huge world events? Always I return to the certainly that now more than ever people need spaces in which they can experience community and in which there is an ethos of loving respect. Yes all of these travels can seem a flash of dazzling excitement, but they also contain seeds of meaningful relating and broadening the scope for our ways of being in the world. Philosophical I know, but there always has to be a way forward.

 

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From My ‘Burning Desire’ blog.

 

Talking dirty

I’m swearing to myself a bit as I begin the process of upgrading the look of my website and engaging with the mysteries of multi page scrolling. I suppose I could get someone else to do it, but I like keeping my brain tuned in to how technology is changing and in turn how technology is changing US. As I swear I keep in mind the look I have in mind and how cool it will be when all of that is in place. I haven’t quite got to the nerd space of discussing fonts enthusiastically, but I do like a nice clean bit of design. Patience will be rewarded.

Another task I’m currently engaged with is writing a workshop on ‘Talking Dirty’ which I will give at a kink festival early next month in Berlin. Possibly I may offer a version in London – get in touch if you are interested – as every time I mention this to people in London their ears prick up enthusiastically. I have a passion for words, I find talking HOT, I love communication, verbal or non-verbal. Plus I’ve noticed how many people, although turned on by particular verbalized thoughts or words, also feel shy about plunging into verbal sexual expression for themselves.

It’s a wolfish kind of ‘community service’ to offer a workshop that educates and encourages people to TALK MORE FILTH, as the saying goes: ‘If you want to find out who is into the same filthy stuff as you, then give a workshop on it!’. The ideas are flowing, the actual writing is going slowly. Still I find myself bringing this up in conversation: asking people if they enjoy ‘Talking Dirty’? If so, are there particular words and phrases they love to hear? Or things they love to say? Far from being complex filthy talk can be beautifully simple – a recent play session with someone I know well comes to mind: They sprawled, tied on their back, all of their body language indicating their openness to submission. As I moved above them my strap-on deep inside them, they said ‘I love it when you fuck me’. Those words were so full of happiness, connection, greediness, of course I had to smile and reach out tenderly as I said with pride and possessiveness: ‘Slut’.

Hopefully I WON’T end up writing the rest of the workshop on the plane (tho this has happened in the past). Wishing you all a warm October full of the freedom to hear the dirtiest of joyful phrases drip off the lips of those you desire.

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